the SEVEN-FIVE project

2003-05-27 - 2:23 a.m.

The look on her face was all I needed to see to realize that Natalie's animosity towards Mary hadn't lessened any. When I caught Mary and Amy together the first person I called after I stormed out was Natalie. She immediately suggested that I come home for a while; I decided to stay in Redstone and try to work things out on my own. We worked things out, but no matter what happened Natalie still saw Mary as the girl who broke her brother's heart; even though my heart had nothing to do with it.

In all honesty I did feel a connection of some kind to Mary, but it wasn't anything deep. I wasn't in love with her, she wasn't in love with me. Hell, I don't think I was even that close to be in like, it was more like lust on overdrive. Obviously she felt the same way, otherwise she wouldn't have wound up in bed with Amy.
"If I see the bitch I'll kick her ass back to Redstone or wherever she lives now." Natalie said, her face changing to a mask of anger.
"No, you won't Natalie. You only want to because you harbor some strange animosity towards her on my behalf. But Mary and I made our peace and moved on. Our 'relationship' was a farce, an insult to the idea of relationships. All we really did was watch anime, listen to music, and fuck. There was no communication on anything more than a superficial level. Natalie, for your own sake, let it go."
"How can I?" She said, looking into my eyes. She took my hands in hers and traced her fingers up the lines of the scars until she found the first ones. "How can I forgive her, when she caused you to do this?" She just continued looked at me. Her mind couldn't grasp that I had forgiven the woman who cheated on me with another woman, the woman who had caused me to cut myself for release, but I had. I was close to ending it myself, it was becoming boring and mundane. That just made it easier.

At the time it happened though, I wasn't in the best state of mind. I had stormed out of Mary's apartment, slamming every door I could on my way out of the building. When I got down to the street I began running, I ran the forty blocks back to mine and Parker's apartment and stomped my way up five flights of stairs. I threw myself onto my bed and laid there staring at the ceiling, trying to calm down, but I couldn't.
I could feel the blood rushing around in my body. I could feel it behind my eyes, pulsing, could feel it in my arms and legs, flowing around. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster, forcing the blood to flow faster and faster. I could feel it start to burn within my arms, so I picked up a butterfly knife that was on my floor. Holding it in my right hand I slashed down at my left arm and watched the skin split open around it. Soon the small gash filled with red and it began pouring out. It felt like so good at that moment. Good enough that I did it again a little closer to my wrist. Then I switched hands and began slicing my right arm.
I only got two gashes into each arm before Amy came into my room. She had come chasing after me rather than Mary. I never asked either of them why, but I don't really care anymore.
"Seven, what the fuck do you think you're doing?" She grabbed the knife from my hand and wrapped a shirt from my floor around each arm.
I simply looked up at her and said, "Release."
She slapped me across the face, leaving a slightly hand shaped red mark. Tears began streaming down her face as she spoke, "This is just monumentally stupid. I don't have a reason for why we did what we did. But I'm sorry we hurt you, Seven. I'm so sorry."
She fell to her knees in front of me, tears streaming down her face, sobbing uncontrollably. I knelt down in front of her and wrapped my arms around her. We sat there like that for a while and I began to get light-headed. My arms, even though they were wrapped tightly, were still bleeding a lot.
The next thing I remember are my arms falling to my sides and Amy screaming. Then Parker ran in and shouted, "Oh shit!" Then everything went black. I woke up in a hospital with Amy and Parker sitting next to my bed. I was there for two days that time, I spoke with four psychologists and two different doctors. After I was released I avoided the band and everyone associated with it for a while.

"I don't know Natalie. I don't know how I forgave her, or either of them for that matter, but I did. And I know you can, too." I moved my arms around her and hugged her tight.
She sniffed once, I knew she was crying. She always cried when she thought about me hurting myself. "I'll try Seven. I don't know if I can, but I'll try."

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